Dear Mum and Dad,
By the time you read this I will be dead. I have decided to take my own life, it seems the only way. This may come as a bit of a surprise to you. It has to me as well. An hour ago, I was a happy, well-adjusted young man. But an hour is a long time, it would seem.
I only started to get these feelings when I sat down and put on ‘Harp On’ by Blue Wine. At first it sounded alright to me. Somewhere between Slint and a lo-fi Joy Division. It sounded moody, the vocals were understated and there were some nice ideas within the chaotically arranged drumming. The guitars sounded inappropriately Mediterranean, but I quite liked that quirk. There was something quite enchanting about the string-laden ‘Pink Fit.’ I must admit I wasn’t listening to the words because the vocal style was too monotone to jump out, but overall it sounded good to me.
So a few tracks passed and I started to get the idea. Morose songs with plenty of composition and a fair smattering of instruments over each track. Vocally, it’s meant to be dour. It has to be the sound of someone hitting the bottle. Over and over again. By the third track, ‘Slaughter Falls,’ I was starting to find it all very samey. The orchestral backing is both mournful and unimpressive, I thought to myself. Usually putting strings on your records, and then throwing in a load of other instruments here and there is enough to impress me. But it’s hard to appreciate it here because the songs are so repetitive and gloomy.
There is no upping of the pace or changing of the tone. The voice doesn’t go anywhere. One song leads to another and all of a sudden my happy go lucky exterior is starting to falter. I was inclined to close the curtains and I must confess to feeling a little weepy. Then I needed a drink. Six tracks had passed by this point and there was no letting up in the misery. Not even a different type of misery.
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Eight tracks in and I was considering sharp objects. It had dawned on me by now that my existence is completely futile, and that everything in life is grim. I thank this emo music for grown-ups for this revelation. Blue Wine show us all that we are just insignificant, and there’s no point living when all that is going to happen in the future will be shit.
I have listened to Malcolm Middleton and felt fine. I have spent many years with The Mountain Goats on my stereo and the bitterness has never worn off. But this album, dear parents, has made me feel terrible. It’s a boring album, and a depressing album. This album is the musical equivalent of the people I try to avoid in life. Imagine the lowest you’ve ever felt, and then imagine what that would sound like.
Here I am at track nine, on the brink of suicide. And I’m thinking it’ll be alright. I can get through this. Then I notice the back of the case, and I see that there are still ten more songs to go. It’s a prolonged agony, a slow and painful death. I can’t take it any more.
See you in the next world
Your loving, but terrible depressed son.
(*NOTE – for anyone who accidentally hears this album, the Operator Please album is the only known antidote for this level of maudlin.)
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